Can Muslim Men Do Us All A Huge Favour?

I know its a lot to ask, what with y'all being strong, virile men, equivalent to ten of your own. Its just that, for every one time you do the thing I'm asking you not to, it sparks this strong and seemingly never ending debate. It's also very confusing. I'm not getting into the emotional part of it because really, that doesn't win debates and its also my perogative. I make this plea to your sensibilities not because of my emotions or my situation (shukr alhamdulillah), but because of my sanity. I can't take the endless debating and the cans of worm this topic always opens.

All I'm asking off you is to NOT take more than one wife at a time. Please. The discussions are doing my head.

Never would I have imagined writing a blog entry about this but here it is, and here I am.

It started when Saly made her mind known. You can read the entry here. I left a comment, then someone else, then another.

Also, my heartfelt thanks to all men reading this who have taken heed.
Here's the conversation thus far. It's veered off into another tangent and I'd really appreciate it if further conversations of this nature could be nipped in the bud.

Enjoy. Or don't. Whatever.

19 Responses to “Eteraz beat me to polygamy!”

  1. Maryam Says:
    June 15th, 2006 at 3:32 pm gosh i so don’t want to get into this issue. its ugly.
  2. saly Says:
    June 15th, 2006 at 5:35 pmIt is ugly. What to do when the ones in it don’t see it.
  3. Maliha Says:
    June 15th, 2006 at 8:18 pmSalaamat Saly,
    I have been following Safa’s blog…and the recent debate made me cringe. It’s cool to shake her up and whatnot, but most of the time women in that situation deserve a little break. The man prolly didn’t just up and marry on her, but (i’m almost positive) there had been some emotional abuse going on before that. If he has made her feel like crap for a lot of years, dependent on him, etc. it would be hard for her to just leave him as easily as a woman who is confident and loved would be.I think sometimes we are really harsh on each other….she needs her space to think clearly…

    on the issue of polygamy in general, i have yet to see a real life example of a *good* man who does it for noble reasons. most of the times its a mixture of desires and pseudo nobility and that pisses me off to no end.


  4. saly Says:
    June 15th, 2006 at 11:42 pmDitto!Safa’s husband cheated on her twice which is really pathetic. Poor her! Once bitten twice shy; twice bitten?
  5. arafat Says:
    June 16th, 2006 at 1:35 amUgly issue indeed!re: “5. ‘Taming’ an American woman…”, my greatest insights into the psychology of this (and other similar cases of sexual attraction biased by traditional racial/ethnic hierarchies) came from the short novel, Season of Migration to the North by Tayeb Salih. A truly mind-opening experience — much needed, given my own background in a former colony.

    Even point no. 4 (re: “White” wife), is probably partly related. But this is a question that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand entirely. A few months ago I wrote a lot about the problem of color complex in Bangladesh, but I know the same exists in much of the Arab world. This is where we need the help of history, psychology and sociology, all at the same time (actually, also gender studies). The question of skin color is baffling indeed. You already mentioned that the “houris” were supposed to be as white as anything. I remember growing up to stories about how the Prophet had skin the color of “alta in milk” (”Alta” is a traditional Bengali red dye that women use to paint/decorate their feet): just imagine a bit of red tainting the pure whiteness of milk, basically the way a Scandinavian white face would be when flushed. I almost believed the Prophet looked something like the “white Jesus”.

    Oh wait, I’m terribly sorry for the digression! But lemme bring it back by saying that of course, all of this is eventually pervaded by the male desire to conquer and exert authority. Part of my insights also developed from the notion of “success” shared by many of my Pakistani friends at college: money, etc, but also a white American woman.

  6. Mr Angry Says:
    June 16th, 2006 at 8:13 amIt would be interesting to get a christian polygamist view too (e.g. Mormon). Then of course there are agnostict or “hippy” polygamists too. A famous Australian actor, Jack Thompson, was in a famously open polygamous relationship for about 20 years. With sisters no less. I think I side with Maliha, I have a deep suspicioun of the motives of any man who pushed for polygamy.
  7. Maryam Says:
    June 16th, 2006 at 4:04 pmI understand what you’re saying Maliha but I think in the Islamic culture, of “cultures of the East” divorce isn’t really discussed as an option. MANY women aren’t taught from day one to have dignity and carry themselves with pride. I dont really blame the man straight away but what a friggin shock ifyour man turned out that way… whatever happened to working it out.I don’t get how a man would WANT two wives… it goes beyond being able to brag in the school yard to your mates. Its a reality you have to live with! Dont you feellike you’re betraying someone? I want to hear from men in a polygamous relationship.
  8. saly Says:
    June 16th, 2006 at 5:13 pmNo man in a polygamous relationship would want to comment, Maryam. Shameless, cowards! You point out correctly that such men are using the fact to their advantage that people look down upon divorce in the East.As far as Safa is concerned, Maliha, I think she had ample time to think and now is the time when she takes some action. I feel sorry that she was preparing for his arrival. That is incorrect behaviour. Some women shook her up wrongly but maybe that was needed. I don’t believe in sweet talking because it isn’t helpful at all.
  9. Maliha Says:
    June 16th, 2006 at 5:34 pmSalamaat Saly,
    i know it broke my heart to read the post about making herself pretty etc. but that’s the reality of 99.99% of women stuck in those relationships. They think if I am just prettier, a little better, if i can be a good wife, maybe he’ll stick around.As i said, this is not an overnight thing. the man has obviously worked on her for a while to reduce her to such an irrational point.

    shaking her up, puts her in the defensive. when it’s all said and done, it’s easier to comment on what people should do when me/you and are looking in from the outside.

    I don’t have the stomach to be in such a relationship..if he ever goes there, I will pack and leave, after i cut off a very precious part of his body and pack it along with me of course 🙂 *muhahahhahahaha*

  10. saly Says:
    June 16th, 2006 at 5:42 pmHaha! You sure are great, Maliha! I always threaten my husband with the same ‘cut off the jewels’ line. And you know what, he knows I mean it;-)
  11. saly Says:
    June 16th, 2006 at 5:53 pm Oh, and I also think that since Safa’s husband is in Egypt, all the comments may confuse her a lot. This is the time when she needs to think on her own but the comments may force an opinion. Commentators should have come out with their true feelings much earlier. But on the other hand, she hadn’t told us before she was going to wax for him, now had she?!
  12. Maryam Says:
    June 17th, 2006 at 12:08 pmi want the link to Safa’s posts pls.and i agree with Maliha when she says its a helluva lot easier to make observations and give suggestions when we’re outside the situation ourselves.
  13. saly Says:
    June 17th, 2006 at 2:08 pmMaryam, Safa’s blog is at know, I was reading the comments on her blog (53 so far!) and most commentators are women in polygamous relationships. They would, I think, be able to ‘feel’ for her if not understand her situation. Ah! But there are many women like her. I’m part of a polygamy group and their stories make me cry:-(
  14. somethingtobe Says:
    June 18th, 2006 at 1:56 pmWhat do you mean you’re part of a polygamy group? Why?
  15. somethingtobe Says:
    June 18th, 2006 at 2:02 pmthanks for the link… i read the first page, dont really want to go on to read the rest…
  16. saly Says:
    June 18th, 2006 at 2:04 pmAh, curiosity;-) I never understood polygamy and there are a few things I disagree with in Islam (e.g., polygamy and sex with slaves). See, now we don’t have slaves but for example, just for argument, if a Muslim country took over a non-Muslim country, would the women become part of the ‘booty.’ Ideally, yes. Then sex with any number of such slaves would be allowed. I heard an Imam give a fatwa like that. It is scary and humiliating. I feel the same about polygamy. I read a book “From monogamy to polygamy’ and it is a total farce. It depressed me to such and extent that I started arguing vehemently against polygamy and my husband thought I was turning away from Islam (lol). I scared him! And then thought I should find out more and so joined the group. Its awful. Unfortunately what I have learnt is worse than I had imagined.
  17. Amygdala Says:
    June 18th, 2006 at 2:09 pmIn ‘Nine Parts of Desire’ there’s an interesting anecdote about various ultra-religious bigwigs from Saudi etc who go on holiday to Egypt. Once there, they go to nightculbs with belly dancing girls, and even prostitutes. When questioned about whether this was haram, they answered, ‘these girls are the equivalent of slaves. It is lawful to have sex with those who your right hand possesses.’thought-provoking, eh?
  18. saly Says:
    June 18th, 2006 at 2:15 pmExactly! All non-Muslim women at that time were allowed to Muslim men without marriage because they either were slaves or part of the war booty. I have read ‘Nine Parts of Desire’ and noticed the same. So, technically Muslim men enjoy heaven on earth.
  19. Maryam Says:
    June 19th, 2006 at 1:14 pmI dont know how apt that ruling is these days. What is a slave? And even if you’re allowed to have sex with your slave girls/women, (conversely, is a woman allowed to have sex with her male slaves?) you’re most definitely not allowed to drink, so that bit about the Saudi big wigs is their perversion of the ruling.Having said that, if sex is made permissible b/n slaves then… is there a ruling on how and when that happens… surely going to harems etc is not a bad thing then? But then again, we no longer have slaves. Hmm. Confuzzled.

13 thoughts on “Can Muslim Men Do Us All A Huge Favour?

  1. Pingback: Confused mind and restless soul » Blog Archive » Concubines in Islam

  2. Haha! We fudged up the Internet!

    It reads as:
    Concubines in Islam on Eteraz beat me to polygamy!saly on Let all Muslim converts be circumcised!Something To Be» Can Muslim Men Do Us All A Huge Favour? on Eteraz beat me to polygamy!Maryam on Eteraz beat me to polygamy!Maryam on Let all Muslim converts be circumcised

  3. You know Maryam, my youngest sister is like my baby. She was born in 1982 (close enough?) and we both get along very well and when we find our selves amusing no one else does, but we love it!

  4. My comment was made towards the comments section of Eterez beat me to Polygamy…seems like I was part of their discussion….funny thing is….most of the people who were talking now have non existant blogs….what happened to them?

  5. I think it’s better for men alike Muslim or not; to do the wise thing of re-marrying regardless of the consequence’s, instead of going out with prostitutes and contracting AIDS & other diseases which would effect more then just there wife’s and children “feelings”.
    Some men can’t live with just one women for the rest of there life’s, there for are destined to lead secret life’s & have mistresses or as a surrogate go out with prostitutes.
    Think about it in this logic!!

  6. hey nawaz and welcome to my blog 🙂

    i dont quite follow your logic.

    why can some men not live with just one woman for the rest of their lives?

    and how will you guarantee that you can’t contract STDs from a new partner even if they are your spouse?

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