Marriage: Now What’s So Scary About That! (Part One)

Ok so we’re Muslim and everyone has marriage on their mind. Its like having sex on your mind but you’re not allowed to say that. So when girls as young as 13 start their sentences with “When I get married…” I shouldn’t be taken aback.

You’ve heard it before, aunties cooing over you when they think you look pretty.

“Oh gosh you’re so pretty, i’m gonna get you married right away!”. Generally said through tightly clenched teeth. I call it living vicariously.

What is marriage and why is it necessary? Is it necessary or is it just a fad that no one’s bored with yet? I’m not here to answer these questions because foregoing the research required, they’d make for very long entries. And really, I’m not here to extol the virtues of Marriage.

I’m a cancerian, if that means anything to anyone. I’m also big on the marriage thing (in theory). The biggest tragedy to have occurred in my life was that I didn’t meet Jamie Oliver when he was younger. Time, tide and I think naseeb were not on my side. He’s a chef, runs multiple restaurants, has set up a community project that gives direction, discipline and hope to youth at risk, he’s young and he has his own garden that grows everything from onions to lovely red strawberries! This was the man I was meant to meet, marry and have children with. (Un)Fortunately for me, this did not take place.

*A moment’s slience as we grieve over this tragic loss*

I’m a future oriented person. When I think about my future I think about my house, I know what its going to look like. I think about carting children around, being a domestic legend, saggage, as well as possible challenges I’d face as a woman/mother/muslimah. In all of this futuristic thinking and planning, I never once think about my future partner. I can’t.

I can picture being a mom but not a wife because to a very limited degree you get to play mom at various stages in your life (I used to have cats, one died, the other ran away). You get to witness what its like to raise children, what parenthood’s about and above all how they should be disciplined. Also, I like kids, well babies really. I think they’re perfect and they rule the world (not adults). I’ve also been told I will be a matriarch when I have my own family (no, I don’t know why either).

I believe in the institution of marriage. In the love that’s borne out of the commitment and hardships you face as a couple. In the ability of a woman to steer the course of not just her but ten other people’s lives while making birthday party arrangements and finding a solution to world hunger. I believe that marriage and children are where its at. They give meaning to an otherwise meaningless existence.

Technically then, my response to the possiblity of a forever after would be a resounding Yes, right?

WRONG!

I’ll tell you why in the next few posts.

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15 thoughts on “Marriage: Now What’s So Scary About That! (Part One)

  1. Everything made sense until the very end. You just left us with a cliff hanger and we will have to wait till the next episode. I shall be keening awaiting it. Interestingly my prof was just talking about this subject with me on the phone. I should also write about it soon.

  2. I really liked your two blogs on marriage. This seems to be a problem for all young people from Muslim countries. As a guy I think I get asked more so than you ladies. They figure I am the one asking so they figure whats the hold up. At least in your case you can say the right guy hasn’t asked yet. Ever since I got my B.S. degree everyone I know has asked when are getting married. My parents were like when are getting married, buying a house, going to graduate school, performing Hajj. So I got a M.S., then I went to Hajj, now I am looking to buy a house. With each accomplishment my parents still ask when are you getting married. The problem I cant find the right girl. Either she is of questionable morals or she is just not attractive. Why is difficult to find both. Then of course my parents give me the FOB option: if you just go to (parent country) you will find a perfect girl. Well I don’t think so. Sorry this went on a little to long but I guess I had a lot let out. I look forward to your next installment.

  3. Leibniz: You’re going to be talking about Marriage now? Whoa! This i gotta read!

    Sorry about the cliffhanger folks, I got caught up with “reality” Urgh!

    Btw, I’m sick at the moment 😦 (just putting this in there for some sympathy)

    Mr Angry: Though you’re neither Muslim or South Asian, you will understand very well when I make my next post what I’m on about. Something tells me you will.

    Zulfaqar: Welcome! Now having read your comment, i need to ask,what do you find attractive? Also I freakin’ hate the FOB option and am really glad there’s guys out there who share the same view!

  4. Maryam,

    You have my sympathy for being sick ;-).

    What do I find attractive? I don’t think I can simply write down what I think is attractive. I just usually know when I see it. From one perspective I find good morals attractive, intelligence ( a must) attractive, confidence, self motivation, a good character (humor). On the other hand, physically that is more difficult to pin point because that can easily be swayed by any of the previously described characteristics. I do admit I find myself attracted to petite women but not wafer thin. That probably has more to do with the fact that I am on the smaller side for a guy. I guess what it all comes down to is that I need to get to know the girl to make a true determination.

    P.S. thanks for visiting my blog.

  5. Oh dear, why is everyone talking about Marriage all of a sudden. Why can’t I get away from this topic! *Aliana hides behind the sofa so that the parents don’t notice that she exists* (never works)

  6. “I can picture being a mom but not a wife because to a very limited degree you get to play mom at various stages in your life (I used to have cats, one died, the other ran away)” hehehe nice maryam, i do remember your love for neo, and i must admit i did think it to be of the motherly kind except when he ran away and you never shed a tear for him i realised that it just wasn’t the same. tear. heartless cruel deceptive woman!

  7. zulfaqar: no need to thank me πŸ™‚
    From what you’ve said there, i had another thought. A good few boys and girls think the same way and yet, we’re not getting together? Like there’s on eperson on one side of the world thinking this and another person on another side of the world going through similar thoughts.

    That’s not to say that ppl on the same side of the world are thinking otherwise, there could be a muslim guy sitting on his laptop pouring his thoughts on to his blog right now same as me but i’d never know! my question is, we knw what we want, it appears others want the same (?) but we arent managing to find each other — why? what’s going on here?

    aliana: stay away from the topic for as long as you can. good girl, stay behind the couch.

    lovely jubly: i is not deceptive. this theme is rockin and i needed it coz i HAD to have my punky unky moods on the side bar and though spunky, that other theme’s fonts were fat.

  8. “we knw what we want, it appears others want the same (?) but we arent managing to find each other β€” why? what’s going on here? ”

    good question…and i used to wonder about it too.

    the idea of there being someone out there – the ‘perfect match’ – but you just have no idea how to find them; is one that can lead to frustration and worry – and thoughts of “what if i never do find him/her…”

    i reckon this kinda thinking is something to avoid – because we know that everything is in Allah’s control. if we burden ourselves with the responsibility of finding that ‘perfect’ someone – then we put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves; pressure which is unwarranted – because in the end, we are destined to meet whoever it is we’re going to share our lives with.

    all the worrying and searching and stuff that comes BEFORE that point – thats the difficult part; thats the part where, i think, the right attitude does you a world of good.

    “Like there’s one person on one side of the world thinking this and another person on another side of the world going through similar thoughts….there could be a muslim guy sitting on his laptop pouring his thoughts on to his blog right now same as me but i’d never know! ”

    it is an exciting thought – that there is that person, whether they’re in the same country, neighbourhood, even street as you – or whether they’re on the other side of the world. i think its a source of tremendous hope – to know that maybe, just maybe, that person exists.

    but to worry…no, to OVER-worry (because a certain degree of worrying is necessary and natural, i think) – to OVER-worry about it only does harm to yourself.

    whoever you’re going to end up with, its already been written – its already in your destiny. we just don’t know yet – what our choices will be.

    but its there. its all there already. and in the meantime, though it can be difficult to really and truly let this into your heart and soul and thinking in the best possible way – in the meantime, we have to try and not worry about this stuff too much and try to copletely put our trust in Allah. cos He’s the one who guides our hearts to each other – and whatever is meant for us is what will come to us.

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