Man is his own worst enemy. Someone deeply thoughtful and wise once said that.
The greatest obstacle to everything you experience in life is yourself. Your inter dialogue and self image. Things you tell yourself subconsciously and even consciously. Its not everyone else. Its you.
I’m very good at dreaming about the future. There was a time where I lived in my future. But as any life coach (or anyone who can lay claim to greatness in the lifetime) will tell you, paving the path to your goals is a challenging and highly misunderstood concept. This is also something I’m learning as I get older. You heard me, older.
The thing that most scares me about marriage is myself. Love’s ablility to render an otherwise capable person useless is baffling. Its like being sucker punched and not allowed time to catch your breath. Its unfair.
Inexperience aside, my ability to love someone scares me on my more pragmatic days. They say if you treat a woman like a Queen she’ll be your slave. This is very true but some don’t even need that. Some just need love, and its not because they’ve been deprived of it. Nietzsche noted that we love life but not because we’re used to living, but because we’re used to loving. There’s always some madness in love, but there’s also always reason in madness. I love this phrase. It explains life for me.
For someone so fearless to be ruled by their love for another, its a strange, scary feeling. Its like a dominating trance that holds you hostage. A lot of things sound nice in theory but in practice, who knows what will happen? I want to maintain a strong individual identity after I get married. But how do I know this is going to happen?
I’d like be my own person and not a melding of two people, one mind with two bodies… I’d like the distinction and I’d like very much to maintain a sense of purpose outside of husband, children and home. Will I be able to? Am I enough of a person to handle the expectations of my partner and children while having my own ideas, ambitions and attitudes? In my eagerness to please will I become devoid of the things that make me who I am? Will I become scared and fragile? Will I be successful in my life or will I measure my achievements by how many times I got complimented on my latest meal and how clean my benchtops look?
I am scared by my own sense of committment and responsibility and my ability to completely be absorbed in another. I’m not a junooni. I just feel very strongly about things.