Marriage: The Third Issue



Man is his own worst enemy. Someone deeply thoughtful and wise once said that.


The greatest obstacle to everything you experience in life is yourself. Your inter dialogue and self image. Things you tell yourself subconsciously and even consciously. Its not everyone else. Its you.


I’m very good at dreaming about the future. There was a time where I lived in my future. But as any life coach (or anyone who can lay claim to greatness in the lifetime) will tell you, paving the path to your goals is a challenging and highly misunderstood concept. This is also something I’m learning as I get older. You heard me, older.


The thing that most scares me about marriage is myself. Love’s ablility to render an otherwise capable person useless is baffling. Its like being sucker punched and not allowed time to catch your breath. Its unfair.


Inexperience aside, my ability to love someone scares me on my more pragmatic days. They say if you treat a woman like a Queen she’ll be your slave. This is very true but some don’t even need that. Some just need love, and its not because they’ve been deprived of it. Nietzsche noted that we love life but not because we’re used to living, but because we’re used to loving. There’s always some madness in love, but there’s also always reason in madness. I love this phrase. It explains life for me.


For someone so fearless to be ruled by their love for another, its a strange, scary feeling. Its like a dominating trance that holds you hostage. A lot of things sound nice in theory but in practice, who knows what will happen? I want to maintain a strong individual identity after I get married. But how do I know this is going to happen?


I’d like be my own person and not a melding of two people, one mind with two bodies… I’d like the distinction and I’d like very much to maintain a sense of purpose outside of husband, children and home. Will I be able to? Am I enough of a person to handle the expectations of my partner and children while having my own ideas, ambitions and attitudes? In my eagerness to please will I become devoid of the things that make me who I am? Will I become scared and fragile? Will I be successful in my life or will I measure my achievements by how many times I got complimented on my latest meal and how clean my benchtops look?


I am scared by my own sense of committment and responsibility and my ability to completely be absorbed in another. I’m not a junooni. I just feel very strongly about things.


9 thoughts on “Marriage: The Third Issue

  1. I love you VERY much and although we can never get married ( πŸ™‚ ) (!!) I’ll always love you and guess what? You won’t even have to be sucker punched!

  2. Like you say – stuff sounds nice in theory, but we don’t know what its like in practice.

    So, since I can only theorise at this point, I’ll say that I think individuality is very important within a couple. If your partner is exactly like you, it would be boring and predictable – and if you became the same mind (one mind with two bodies), then sure things would be a lot more agreeable – but i think it’d also become very dull.

    The differences of ideas, opinions, ways of doing things, etc…all these add variety to your life together; and i think its a good thing to have that diversity within the marriage. Of course it may lead to arguments and disagreements at times – but unlike a non-marital relationships (meaning relationships with colleagues, friends, etc – whoever else) – in the marriage you are committed to each other, so you have to compromise and you HAVE to find ways to resolve your differences – because you can’t just walk away and be immature. (ok, you can – but you shouldn’t make it a habit πŸ˜‰

    i think the solution is to be with someone like-minded: someone who understands how strong you are in your individual character, and that you don’t want to ‘lose yourself’ in the marriage.

    if he really and truly ‘gets’ that, and he wants to be with you for who you are (instead of expecting you to fit into his life in a certain way in future) – then i think you’re well set.

    we grow together and influence each other, and thats a beautiful thing. but before marriage, and in the marriage, we are still individuals, and thats something which you’d both need to have common ideas about.

    choose wisely πŸ™‚

    ps: what’s “junooni”?

  3. There’s always some madness in love, but there’s also always reason in madness.

    Officially my new favorite phrase.

    There is an episode of Seinfeld (do you get that Down Under?) where George (who is about to get married) goes on a rant.

    “I would like some me. Is there no me in marriage? Is it too much to ask that not everything be us. Am I too selfish if I just want a few things for myself, to be about me only?”

    To which Seinfeld of course replies, “That, my friend, is the definition of selfish.”

    Very good series, that.

  4. everything: dont make me smack your bottom.

    Haleem: i used to sign that on wedding cards (the phrase)

    dreamlife: yeah, how much time do you think i have to find this person?

    aliana: hi πŸ™‚ *big hug* lets put on the kettle and just talk!

    suroori: πŸ™‚ i wuv you too, very much. shame about not being able to marry me 😐

  5. You express yourself beautifully. If only I could express all I have in my heart in the way you do. I want people to see my take on love and marriage but I am afraid I do not really know how to eloquently express what I have in my heart in words. I’ll take some inspiration from your post.

  6. squarecut: WElcome! click back often πŸ™‚
    Thank you for your compliment, it really means a lot πŸ™‚

    believer: welcome also, and pls do click back again soon.
    i was wondering about my writing the other day… and so this comes at a good time. thank you for appreciating my menial efforts

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