I think I’m over the concept of getting to know someone before I marry them.

If I’ve met them a couple of times, we’ve talked a few times, I like him and I know what I need to know about him, then let’s just do it. And once we decide this, let’s not have a relationship till after we get married. Some people don’t think getting to know a person is a relationship, but I’d argue that it is. Developing an emotional attachment, which brings with it expectation and hope, is a relationship. It doesn’t have to be mutual. Guys get over things in a different way and if they can’t they’re a lot better at masking it. They can turn cold, and just disappear off the radar. Girls can’t really do that.

You’re never going to get to a point where you feel you know enough about your future partner. You’re always going to want to know more!

Don’t send me flowers, don’t write me little love notes/emails, don’t send me little love greetings, emails or messages. Don’t give me pet names. And please, whatever you do, don’t be cute. Cuteness has to date killed more people than all the diseases, plagues and wars combined. We can get closer, closer to the date of our nuptials.

There are a number of things that are important to me – in the context of a marriage/meeting a person and giving them a clear picture of me.

These are:

1- My family

They’re a big part of my life. We’re the sort that huddle around the new lamp and discuss it at length. Its important you get to know these people. They’re going to be the ones calling up a hundred times a day to mention insignificant facts and asking after the minutiae of my life. They’ll ask you about yours too.

2- My take on family

They’re important. You need to respect mine, as messed up as you may think they are. I’m a part of them and a product of them. I come from them and getting to know them will paint you a very pretty picture of who I am. Further, your family’s important. If you don’t get along with them, you probably want to fix that, quick smart. I don’t want to end up in a marriage where my husband isn’t close to his family. You can get too close but not close at all, no thanks! The reason for this is that I want to be close to my husband’s family. I want it to be like my existing family. If you’re fighting your family to marry me, please don’t. No one has more rights over you than your parents and I will not take away their privilege to determine who they want as their daughter in law. I want them to respect me and cherish me and want me to be a part of their lives. So force feeding is not going to work. There are other ways to go about this but that’s what you (future hubby) have to figure out.

When I start my own family, these are going to be significant considerations. I plan on raising my kids to submit completely to their faith and respect their parents and family. I want them to grow up as part of a larger family such that they realise the responsibilities they have while being rightly guided by their support network.

3- My take on life

I want to achieve something in my life. I believe that there is something greater than the sum of you, me and our family and I’d like to work constructively to chip away at the fabric of society so we can set the wheels in motion for a world we’d rather have our children reside in. I’m passionate about community work and am concerned by its decline. Your life is what you make it, I’m a strong believer in that.

If you’re a whinger and have a lot of issues in your life, go deal with them and give me the number of your friend whose got his shit sorted. I’m more than happy to make the first move.

4- What I need from you

Are you proud to be you?

How many past relationships have you had?

How many female friends do you have?

If you’re on facebook do a lot of hotties link up to you?Β  (i’m petty)

Are you a whinger? If so, bye bye.

Do you have bizarre ideas about women and the home and education?

Will you die if you find out I lived alone for two years (with my sisters) and then in defiance left home for 2 weeks?

This list is a bit longer but you get my drift.

There. Now you know.


14 thoughts on “Jump

  1. If I were a man, i’d propose to you right away!

    I’m proud to be me.

    Only one.

    I have many female friends πŸ™‚

    I’m not on facebook!

    I’m not a whinger.

    I never had bizarre ideas about women and the home and education. Well, almost never!

    I won’t die to know you lived alone for two years and then left home for 2 weeks. I’d say its cool!

    See?! I told I’m perfect!

  2. Asalaamu alaykum
    You go girl! Encore, encore, especially to that bit on family. As the product of a couple that eloped, married to a man who is the product of a couple that eloped, – i cant tell you how much heartache comes from feeling that your inlaws have out-lawed you. It festers, and it passes on. Well, well said.
    peace and mercy,

  3. agree and disagree to a few things.

    love the part about family. loved the part about ur take on family. and what I need from you is to the point as well.

    two things which I disagree on

    1) sometimes guys are not the one who disappear of the radar. sometimes when a girl turns cold and shows that there was nothing between them the guy has to disappear cos he has feelings there which will make him do stupid stuff.

    2) what do u mean by whinger. is it someone who shares his feeling with u? is it someone who lets u know when u r going out of line? is it someone who complains when the girl dont speak to him for weeks and then suddenly come back expecting everything to be normal. and then when the guy tries to hide his feeling the girl gets angry as to why he wont give him the same attention.

    but other than I totally agree with everything else πŸ™‚

  4. “I think I’m over the concept of getting to know someone before I marry them.

    If I’ve met them a couple of times, we’ve talked a few times, I like him and I know what I need to know about him, then let’s just do it” – hey you’ve finally come to my way of thinking. welcome to the club. i guess i can start putting your photos up on random muslim websites and give them to our mumsy. πŸ™‚

  5. suroori: meet me at the masjid in your red dress

    sadia/mocha: w’salam and welcome πŸ™‚ pls do click back. Thanks for the acknowledgement. i’m just a very family person and even though it sux sometimes, you gotta stick with it and jus ride out the bad bits. Family is the foundation of society.

    1) yes, you’re right – Women do do these totally outrageous things but from my experiences, its more the men who do disappearing acts because they tend to be poor communicators (not all of them though, you clearly are not)
    2) nope that is not how i’d define a whinger. what you’ve described is osmeone whose pretty “normal”. to me a whinger is someone who is always complaining and can’t seem to get their shit together. someone who always pushes the blame to others and doesn’t take responsibility for their happiness.

    mr angry: why thank you sir

    everything: watch out muslim matrimonial sites. pls ask me before you use the photos, coz mum will use the ones when i’m fifteen and have steel wool hair.

  6. You are cute. To answer your questions:

    I am humbly proud to be me. Wouldn’t be anyone else, I tell you.

    Never had past relationships. As for present …

    I have a few female friends. Some of them are nice, too.

    A few hotties do link up to me on facebook. Some of them even publish Bollywood pictures of themselves.

    Whinger? Well, I do blog …

    I NEVER even think about women’s education. I leave that kind of stuff to Suroor.

    No, I won’t die. Unless I am a cat (billie). ‘Coz, you know, curiosity kills the cat.

    Just so you know.

  7. Pingback: Cake at Lahore Tikka « Captain Chaos

  8. Hi Maryam,
    I came here from a link on Haleem’s blog. LOVE your take on this. I’m kinda in the same boat as you, and have often thought about closeness before anything’s “paaki” or halal. It’s such a fine line and so many people can get hurt if emotions become involved too prematurely.

    My only concern about not really getting to know the guy is basically about comfortability. Unless you really know the person, and that too through a long period of time, can you really assess their character?And how can you really be sure that the guy you’re saying yes too is THE person who you can be happy and content with for the rest of your life? Or does the sync come after years of being together? And after many years of marriage, will we be sure that we made the right decision, or will we begin to feel like we settled for whoever came along? Sorry for all the random questions, I just wanted to know your take on this. I really am agreeing with what you’re saying, these are just things I’ve wondered.

  9. Salaam.
    Fascinating points. Can’t help but approve. Someone should do a guy version of this, with the obvious modifications. Haleem?

  10. Pyari – i don’t think you can be sure. even if you were already with them for years before, i don’t think a person can ever be “sure”…

    we’re not supposed to know the future…if we did, life would be rather predictable.

    when it comes to the decision, my view is that u shud make Istikhara and then go with whatever the outcome is.

    It can be an incredible burden: worrying about whether ur making the right choice, what IS the right choice, and afterwards, if u made the right choice.

    its a good thing we have the mechanism to bypass all these worries…Faith. Istikhara is the way to go, in my opinion.

  11. haleem: wow, you’re addressing my criteria? not reading into this.

    pyari: hello! πŸ™‚

    I don’t make a distinction between it being paki. To me that term means very little. I’ve come to identify myself as a Muslim so that’s the first thing I look at. Paki is a bonus (from a parental perspective).

    ah, the age old questions. thank you for asking. re: comfortability
    Yes, agreed – and perhaps thats why ppl have long engagements. Looking at things from a purely islamic perspective, a lot of the feelings and issues we go through today seem not to be addressed in the teachings. Example, the concept of Rebound. I believe you’re meant to remarry asap after a divorce or the death of a partner – so where’s the rebound factor here?

    Conversely, if you’re worried about having made “the right choice” – that’s a total faith decision. You read your istikhara, try and get to know the guy and his family (very important) and you also need to have a pretty clear understanding of yourself and your abilities – this causes problems bcoz we can become really self centred so again at this juncture, defer to Islam

    Em: merci and welcome, pls do click back.

    dreamlife: again, your faith in God is so pleasing to read about πŸ™‚

  12. Hehe using urdu words sometimes doesn’t work better, when I said paaki, I mean as in baat paaki, like paaki means finalized. Yeah culture/ethnicity shouldn’t be the deciding factors. Religion and compatibility should be.

    Thanks for the insight in the other things. It really does come down to faith. It’s hard though to keep your faith going sometimes though but we gotta keep on believing. It’s what gets us through. I really do like your approach on things. Good blog!

  13. oh pakki… gotcha!

    and thank you kindly for your lovely words. you made me chuckle.

    I hear ya re: keeping the faith but at the end of the day, we need to keep in mind that we’re going to die, one day, very soon. And we don’t know when that’s going to happen. Just remember your death daily – it’ll keep things in perspective for you, make you realise how insignificant our pains for a material lfe really are.

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