Globe Trotting

World Economies are shrinking and collectively people around God’s basketball are sucking in their bellies and tightening their belts. For much of the same reasoning that adds marketability to the label “Made in China” avid globe trotters are now choosing to fly Budget. They’re like the home brand version of them fancy air carriers. In line with the  savvy of the noughties clever money makers have embraced the age old adage touted by fashionistas from Chanel to Balmain; less is more.

Doing away with the silliness of a carpeted runway sheltering passengers from the atmosphere’s unyielding gaze, in flight methods of entertaining one self while sitting still for a future five to fifteen hour period, pre-paid sustenance and other such convenieces, they’ve figured out a way to give you international air travel at the cost of a B grade concert ticket (for an A grade act).

It goes without saying then that F word related notions of cost cutting and penny pinching only really affect the self created and therefore dream like quality of the middle class beaver. A person who works hard to garner that extra pittance in order to cultivate his or her desire to sight see and live in (in a very watered down and not in any way related kind of way) to his or her hard copy heroes.

To what can we pin this maniacal lust for things outside one’s reach you ask?  The answer, the print media of course!

Yes readers, I blame those ruthless print media pundits for stalking, photographing, publishing and distributing lifestyles of the higher echelons of the economic world order as they gallivant on this most vast of planets in their designer undies and sun shades. For most of us this remains yet another unattainable goal which when envisioned in a pair of entirely unsexy smalls becomes somewhat undesirable too.

It’s just as well then that the clever people at Virgin launched a budget travel system.

Having recently experienced the joys of such a system, I have decided that it is unnecessary to impress my poverty, and that of my fellow travellers upon our already heightened poverty aware state. There is no need to point out to us that we perhaps are a little tight with our cash when they herd us in through the ugly exits after the cattle like prodding we receive at the security check points.

While I can concede that the powerful people at Budget Air will never enforce anything of the sort, I have come up with a list of Do’s and Do Not’s for my fellow tight arse traveller. The list only applies when you’re travelling budget. No need to plaigairise my genius for your upper market full fare travel arrangements.

Do’s

1. Do go on a diet prior to travelling so you can fit into the itty bitty seats. If you’re tall, grow some wings and fly to your destination solo. No need to come cramp my style with your abnormally long legs.

2. Do feel free to stay healthy prior to travel. Just because there’s nothing to distract me from my plight, doesn’t mean you need to come in with a chorus of sniffles and lung crushing coughs.  

3. Do travel light.

4. Do bring enough food to share with the people in your row.

5. Do sit in the isle seat if you are Lady or Sir Pee-A-Lot.

6. Do leave a seat between us if there is no one else boarding the flight. No need to sit at the exact seat they told you on your boarding card.

Do Not’s

1. Do not travel with infants who are prone to screaming throughout the flight. If you have family that haven’t seen seen bubs since their birth, tell them to fly to you. Surely this is the one and only stage in your life where you command that kind of pull force? If this fails, purchase a sedative.

2. Do not sit next to me if you’re a chatter box. My quota of friends is full and I don’t care about your life stories.

3. Do not leave your light on during a midnight flight when everyone is trying to sleep, you inconsiderate so and so!

4. DO NOT under any circumstance push your entire seat back. I am short not a miniature toy figurine.

5. Don’t hog the arm rest!

6. Do not take a plane if you’re scared of flying.

7. Don’t stick your entire head in the window – I wanna see out too 😛

8. Do not send your under age child to travel alone. They don’t take care of your kids on a budget flight, and suppose one of them get seated next to me.

I hope this list will help my fellow tight arse travellers. Further suggestions are welcome 🙂

Till then, safe journeys, don’t forget to take photos! 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Globe Trotting

  1. RE bringing enough food to share: last my mum flew budget she had a huge feast prior to embarking the plane AND brought enough samosa’s curry puffs and other snack food to feed her entire row! I was gob smacked at how hungry she perceived she would get over the course of a 4hr flight!

    As for #4 of the “do not’s” (the seat back situation): Grrr! I totally agree with you… just because I am small doesn’t mean I need NO room!

    I will add:
    Do not eat baked beans prior to the flight (enough said)
    Do practice odour etiquette and please wear deodorant during the flight

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