f words

Why do we resist forgiving those that have wronged us? Even when we know that if the shoe were on the other foot, we would sell a limb to be forgiven?

Why is hurt always so misunderstood?

There are so many things I’m fearful of.

When I become a parent I want my 2010 self to follow my future/mom self as I go about parenting my kids. I want to see first hand the changes a person (such as me) goes through when they become a parent. There are so many things I’m critical of in my own parents. I wonder if I could actually do a better job. Actually, I’m lying. Most days I’m pretty sure that I will do a better job. The question why never pops into my head. Maybe its my arrogance but perhaps and more than likely its my shortsightedness.

There are many things I don’t understand in life.  Operating out of fear is one of them. Lately however several strange things have started happening to me. It feels almost like someone has introduced kryptonite into my world. I feel scared. Weak. Angry and worst of all, alone.

I’m not depressed. I’m just… suddenly… how do I put it.

It’s like a veil has lifted exposing the horror that is humanity. Freeze frame shot to a shocked face, the background is black with a shock of light. My face is lit up in horror at what I see before me.

I see more bitterness and spite. I feel it directed toward me. I feel like I’m being pulled into the centre of the spite planet while being burnt by its rays. I can almost feel its tarnishing effect on my skin.

I wonder why forgiveness is such a novel concept. Probably because its really hard. Forgiving people who hurt you is what keeps you soft. It keeps you humble and pure in your heart. But why can’t I forgive? Why do I have this need for resolution before forgiveness? Why can’t I just let things go?

I don’t understand why some things however minor can cut so deep while others however major barely bruise.

Life’s hard. I get it. But you don’t have to become hard with it, or do you? I’d like to hang on to remnants of my naivety. I reckon it helps me get through the day.

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