Trying…

Feedback required – i think this leads into a conclusion too fast. i’d like to build on the feeling from the second verse before killing the poem. Thoughts?

conceal my smile
so you wont know
kill my high
in case it shows

not telling my friends
coz
they’d want to know,

such a sinister plot
my soul wants to sow

just to make it last
make it grow
i dont want it released
in case it blows

this can’t be revealed
that’s how it ends
you know?

Updated after consultationwith a friend (who is also a budding writer) 17/11/11

conceal my smile
so you wont know

kill my high
in case it shows

not telling my friends
coz
they’d want to know

such a sinister plot
my soul wants to sow

just to make it last
make it grow

i dont want it released
in case it blows

can my heart handle this
does she know how it goes?
when you steal a smile
and the feeling grows

till it fills up wide
coz it fills up slow

can you pick the signs
can you tell
do you know?

there’s a spring in my step
a new bounce in my flow

i’m killin this prose
coz my heart wants to show

all the ways i’m affected
i’m eager
you know?

but it can’t be revealed
that’ll end this
no!

not it can’t be shown
that’s how it ends
you know.

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2 thoughts on “Trying…

  1. I can soooo relate!

    ‘not telling my friends
    coz
    they’d want to know *more*'(?)

    just to make it last
    make it grow
    *those seeds of love
    that make me glow*

    *keep it in a box
    don’t want it revealed
    don’t want it compared
    really don’t want it to blow
    ‘coz that’s how it usually ends you know*

    I don’t think I was much help, but again,
    I can soooo relate!

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