Sunshine and Fear

The rays of the sun reach out into infinity touching every corner of every crevice around me. There’s not a thing that can be spared this heat, there’s no sorrow that would be brave enough to compete.

In the sun I’m free from the mess of memories your picture resurrects. I am occupied only by thoughts of taking cover. The shade casts light on the thoughts I’ve been battling with for a while.

When, why and how much longer?

The sun lights up the day but it casts deep strong shadows too. In every thing light, a darkness lingers. I want to be left alone.

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people

connection, fleeting or permanent
a meeting of heart or mind
 recognition, of yourself in another
 you see how your behaviour manifests
affection, overwhelming, overbearing
weakening your defences with every blow
 acceptance, deep and eternal
 caressing your every wound  

Can’t quite say…

I can’t answer when I last looked at you with desire. In all honesty I couldn’t tell you when you last looked sexy to me. All I know is the first time I saw you and my heart skipped it’s first beat and my mind became an oasis full of you. All I now know is your smile, your passionate glance, the one I think surfaces only for me. I can only ever hear my heart beat around you, not the sound of your voice. Like a gun shot exploding in my ears and ricocheting through my veins. Just like the first time so it is every time. Now that my heart beats only for you. Now that my heart beat is you.

Love, God and the stuff in between

Every couple I see proves to me that we were made in pairs. God’s plan manifests in amazing ways. He shows Himself through His Creation. He floats through the similarity of features and the familiarity of gestures. He is Light. He is Love. Every feeling of love we feel toward another is but a reflection of His everlasting Love and concern for us. 

We were made in pairs. And I’m hopeful in  His Great Plan for me. But still this feeling lingers. 

At first I thought my heart would explode. The jolt to my system is always grave, deep, lasting. The first time, and every time. 

I don’t believe we’ll be happy together and I don’t believe I’m meant for you or you for me. But still, the feeling haunts. It lingers. Like a seedy ghost. Like the annoying friend you always want to ditch. Like a boomerang, designed to return.

In my struggle to push past my feelings, I have started harbouring others. I’ve started to wish you the best in this life and in the hereafter. I’ve started to wish you happiness, without me, despite me. I’ve started to wish that the strength of your character surpasses my first impressions of you. That it absolutely explodes and raises your ranks forever. I’ve started to wish you happiness. Because no one I know deserves it more. 

God is Love and to Him is my complaint. Show Mercy, Ya Rabb. 

Marriage – Part 14 – The One

Oh wow, fourteen posts. Too few or too many? Anyway…

My community group is organising a panel discussion on Marriage and what plagues the Muslim population in my local community regarding this issue.

So lately I’ve been running through all my past reasonings and justifications for what I deem the “Marriageability Void”. I’m referring here to the chasm of eligible single men that meet my criteria for eligibility. My criteria is, believe it or not, quite simple. I’d like to be around people who discuss ideas. Who aren’t afraid to challenge a widely held notion so long as they can back it up with fact or a good argument. People who can be held accountable, who can say they’re sorry and who can move on from a conversation without holding a grudge. The fact that the Muslim male population is made up of wahabi wannabes, supposedly spiritual salafis and the many in betweens who haven’t quite reconciled with their own identity leaves me with a less than desirable pool of options.

But slim pickings may not always translate to Single Ever After because I definitely don’t believe in the concept of hedging your bets. I have sat down and really analysed my response to the marriage problem and ended up doing what Analysts do best. I thought OUTSIDE the square. A lot of the discourse around marriage in Muslim communities is centred on our “Muslimness”. Root cause is found when we investigate the evolution of the Immigrant in a foreign land. There are financial pressures as well as those born by an intrinsically ethnocentric community with major double standards.

I started thinking about this “problem” as a Human problem, instead of a Muslim problem. What is the main reason PEOPLE aren’t getting married these days? Firstly – let’s investigate this notion. Is it true? Are there very FEW marriages taking place in a calendar year? I think you’ll find this to be Untrue. Secondly, what is our comparison point? Are we still in 2013 comparing marriage rates to those in the 1950s? Has the yard stick evolved? Shouldn’t it?

But let’s for argument sake support the stance that people are waiting for ever to get married and discuss why. I *think* I’ve figured it out. I think we’re waiting to get married because we’re just growing up a lot later in life. Modernity has literally retarded our ability to grow up and enter the adult world of serious conversations, of facing inconvenient truths about each other and the difficulty of staying with the SAME guy/girl. Where previously marriage used to be a conduit to other opportunities in life, it’s now seen as a step back from the Oyster we call our world.

The side effect of all this wordly goodness is an inability to really know yourself. We’re so distracted by our FB notifications and so consumed by the pursuit of a natural but perfect selfie that we barely get a chance to look inwards, to face the elements of ourselves that could be improved, to struggle against ourselves and thereby define ourselves. Nader Khan mentions investing in yourself as a tip to single people looking to get married. He poses this deeply thought provoking question, “when you think of the perfect person for you, ask yourself why would that perfect person want to be with you?”. One I think requires a lot of maturity to be able to really tackle.

I’ve now realised that it’s not my family’s position in the community, or my Dad’s refusal to entertain other cultures that’s getting in the way of my matrimony. I don’t even think it’s the faith(lessness) of my fellow Muslimeen. I just think that I haven’t met anyone who really knows what they want in life. I don’t believe I’ve met anyone who has a strong sense of purpose in their days. Something that comes from really knowing yourself. I don’t think we stop to ask the question, Who am I? or What am I doing here? or Where to next?

During this write up I checked my phone 10 times, read 3 different articles, listened to some youtube clips and started and ended a new discussion topic on Whatsapp.

The chasm widens.