Marriage Part 15 – The Illusion

How sad to heave all your problems on an external entity for resolution. The reason we never consider, discuss or address issues like mental illness or personal happiness and our purpose in life is because we deem these all to be addressed through Marriage. I’ve wondered for a long time why that is. And today I think I’ve realised that it’s because we’ve given our power away. We have accepted that the answers do not lie within us they lie elsewhere. And so we created a modified narrative for life and we put all our hopes and dreams there. And we never stop to check if it’s actually even coming true. It’s been so long that we’ve been building our hopes that we’ve now started feeling supported by our own make believe. We rest on our own dreams and when they become nightmares we simply turn over and start a new one.

Elusive Forever

I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist. I don’t see it around me, I don’t think I’ve met anyone with it. So how did the idea and it’s exact execution get into my head? Why do I see it play out as the constant alternative ending to every interaction and every exchange? I need to work this out.

Sunshine and Fear

The rays of the sun reach out into infinity touching every corner of every crevice around me. There’s not a thing that can be spared this heat, there’s no sorrow that would be brave enough to compete.

In the sun I’m free from the mess of memories your picture resurrects. I am occupied only by thoughts of taking cover. The shade casts light on the thoughts I’ve been battling with for a while.

When, why and how much longer?

The sun lights up the day but it casts deep strong shadows too. In every thing light, a darkness lingers. I want to be left alone.

people

connection, fleeting or permanent
a meeting of heart or mind
 recognition, of yourself in another
 you see how your behaviour manifests
affection, overwhelming, overbearing
weakening your defences with every blow
 acceptance, deep and eternal
 caressing your every wound  

Can’t quite say…

I can’t answer when I last looked at you with desire. In all honesty I couldn’t tell you when you last looked sexy to me. All I know is the first time I saw you and my heart skipped it’s first beat and my mind became an oasis full of you. All I now know is your smile, your passionate glance, the one I think surfaces only for me. I can only ever hear my heart beat around you, not the sound of your voice. Like a gun shot exploding in my ears and ricocheting through my veins. Just like the first time so it is every time. Now that my heart beats only for you. Now that my heart beat is you.

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